Dear World,
Honestly, I don't know what you really are. Are you the sky, the earth, the mountains, and rivers that embrace me? Are you the other eight billion people sharing this lonely planet with me, brushing past me at every moment? Or perhaps you are the unknown that I cannot touch yet infinitely yearn to explore? Another 365 days and nights have passed, and we meet here again. Whatever form your existence takes, I am eager to tell you what is on my mind at this very moment. I wonder if you might resonate with it too?
If you miss my voice, then regard this as my podcast. May you find peace in it.
On December 27th, I landed in Zhengzhou, Henan, concluding my 77th flight of the year. Over these twelve months, 26 different airlines carried me through the skies for 272 hours. I visited 19 countries in total, 8 of them for the first time. For my research, I also temporarily said goodbye to Norway this year and lived briefly in 3 other countries. But in today's society, what truly constitutes "knowing" this planet better? The heavens, earth, mountains, and rivers are so magnificent; cultures and traditions are so dazzling. Yet if we don't engage in thought during this process, travel becomes mere consumption. Then the saying, "Reading ten thousand books is not as good as traveling ten thousand miles," might not seem so correct after all.
As this planet becomes increasingly accessible and real before my eyes, I've also begun to feel the weight of my own accumulating privilege. Yet, at 28, I found myself less brave than before. The more I read, the more I realize my ignorance. The wider I see the world, the smaller I feel. Although I remain intensely curious about this planet, I also grow more apprehensive about setting out. But what is it I fear? Perhaps it's the uncontrollable unknown. I once aspired to change the world alongside certain international organizations, but later I learned they are not bastions of pure justice either. So, I chose to extract myself from mainstream society, to become an observer. But as 2025 ends, I still find myself listening to the chorus of One Day from time to time. I hope humanity can truly humble itself, revere nature, respect one another, and champion peace. (Stop!!!)
Therefore, I still set out. I want to see in this process. I want to turn research into my daily life, to explore what the future way of living for humanity might be. I become my own research subject. I have a steady income, yet I lead a nomadic, rootless life. I moved from the city to the fields of Japan, villages in China, islands in Portugal, neighborhoods in Mexico. I use my Asian perspective to observe this carnival that, for now, still largely belongs to the Global North. This one social phenomenon documents the shifts in human migration, societal development, and national policy decisions. I used to worry so much that my research wouldn't yield substantial results, that I couldn't produce valuable academic work. Yet, throughout my quest, the guidance from mentors has been unwavering, the most important being my supervisor Christoph, of course, consistently offering me chances to present my ideas and hear diverse feedback, making me believe I truly am creating knowledge meaningful to this world. At the same time, the mutual support among peers lets me know that on this seemingly lonely PhD journey, we fight our own battles yet lean on each other. We are exploring philosophy, understanding ourselves, and deconstructing the world.
"We are but mayflies visiting a grand universe, single grains in a vast sea. / 寄蜉蝣于天地，渺沧海之一粟" (Red Cliff Ode).
I still don't know who I am? Where do I come from? Where am I going? But I hope, slowly, I will come to know more and more, even if it will never be everything. And that's okay. (One day, one day, one day...)
First, to you, the stranger. I'm glad we, together, constitute this world. I wish you, on the other end of this vast network of human connections, all the best. I also look forward to the day this ever-evolving web might connect us. A brush past is also a kind of fate, that's what we call “Yuan 缘” in China.
Next, my family. In Dali, Peter and I calculated how much time we actually have left to spend with our families. For those of us living overseas, the answer is somewhat startling. Although my past decade has been somewhat rebellious, distance does lend enchantment and has indeed helped me understand my parents more. Since I am currently beyond the reach of their support, I must accept the reality that they cannot fully understand me. Chatting with Mia in Amsterdam the other day, she said the trauma (CPTSD) inflicted by the environment of our generation requires us to vent the inner monologues of our younger selves before we can move forward. The essence of communication is still to solve problems, not to vent emotions. I am "upright, brave, and well-read" (Her Story). I have "learned good thoughts, good words, good deeds" (Bohemian Rhapsody). But at the same time, principles are principles. I refuse moral kidnapping on any level. I honestly told them my mental state wasn't great. They also understood what I'm pursuing now and what happiness means to me. And when they learned of some attempt of mine that didn't succeed, they offer an olive branch. Special thanks here to the two police officers for their love. I hope in 2026 to spend more time at home and have a few more hotpot meals.
Finally, my proximity. I often mention in my writing, "Hope to meet again in another corner of the world." This is, in fact, a project I've never ceased. When the excitement for new destinations wanes, reuniting with friends becomes the motivation to set out. Either I go to them, just to sit down face-to-face in a café for a chat, or we embark together to explore new territories.
When leaving Dali, Xiao Ma printed a woodcut for me. It says, "My friends have saved my life more times than I can count, often when I least expected it." How true that is for me as well. I love to observe, so I often sit in a back corner quietly watching everything. I believe people destined to know each other will always meet again, so sometimes I don't step forward to say hello. I fear being too abrupt, so I often hesitate about whether to send you a message or not. I feel deep love resides in the eyes, so I tend towards silent companionship. Though my approach to socializing might sound somewhat... awkward, at the same time, I do follow my heart. So I will turn and leave when I feel it's time: leaving social media, leaving a city, or even leaving your life.
Yet the reason I can move forward so willfully is precisely because I believe those of you who matter will always be there. Xipu hangs a small cake on my doorknob for my birthday; the Powerpuff Girls spent a fortune making banners and posters to greet me at the airport; Celina moves my luggage to storage after I left Norway; Herman wrote to me on my website when he couldn’t find me everywhere; Sergio agreed to drive me around on a busy weekend... There are actually many, many more moments with you, that I just want to look at you, and my eye says, "I really love you & I'm so incredibly proud of you. Thank you!"
So to all of you scattered across the globe, in my absence, please believe in the power of "feeling the closeness across the miles." (A bosom friend afar brings a distant land near / 天涯若比邻)
Looking back on 2025, I would call it the best year of my life so far. My body constantly traversed this planet, my mind continually collided with the wisdom of the past, and my higher self persistently guided me from hidden corners. I genuinely felt the poetry in each day's sunrise and sunset; the romanticism in every encounter with a new person and even in growing apart; the fascinating reality of life in every failed application and rejection. As the year ends, I find my present self able to calmly yet efficiently, humbly yet confidently, accept everything that life brings.
I will grin and open my arms wide every time I meet a friend. I will give a slight bow whenever I need to thank someone or trouble someone (yes... I really love bowing). I spend a lot of time observing those around me until I allow them into my proximity. Whether parting when the music ends, fading quietly without a clear close, or even leaving without a goodbye. They have all walked a part of the journey with me. I see life as a voyage. Assuming it can extend infinitely, then perhaps everyone can only offer companionship for a phase, be they friends or family. So I return myself to myself, and others to themselves (The Happy Loneliness). When our paths need to diverge, I will gently wave my sleeve and continue chasing after fellow travelers ahead. Unexpected encounters are romantic things. Like Avery finally getting the chance to visit Southern Europe just as I happened to move here; Or like the night before a deadline, after pushing hard all day, I decided to go out. Wandering the night streets of Mexico City, only to see another PhD student from my school walking towards me...
So, fellow travelers parting ways at this midpoint, I hope the road ahead for you is smooth and broad, surrounded by pleasant scenery and like-minded friends. Life's major decisions themselves aren't right or wrong; it's just that one of them might lead to a relatively better outcome. But as long as the decision is my own, I accept it happily and tell the story proudly. The process of "I did this because of what, because of whom" is, I believe, already filled with love, respect, understanding, and trust. So, in the end, it's not about all the factors I weighed, but about "I made this decision." I can fail to reach the heights I envisioned; I can fall short of my own wishes; my life can even trend downwards by worldly measures. Because I love myself, the people around me, and the life I currently have agency over.
Honestly, on many nights this year, anxiety would suddenly wash over me. The gradually darkening sky, a cramped room, the sound of another person's breathing in the space would inexplicably trigger panic. But I allow my eyes to always be brimming with tears. I allow myself to look around, my heart lost. I allow myself to pick up a pen and write down chaotic thoughts. I allow myself to fail to express precisely what I mean. I converse with the version of myself in my mind. I exchange ideas with the philosophers of my imagination. I pray to the unknowable that I'm curious about. I cry, and then through tears, I laugh. I feel like I'm living so damn real.
To me in 2025 who would cry hard for a sentimental film but still remember to take a selfie
So dear World,
If you are this planet, then I love every inch of your land.
If you are my proximity, then I will cherish every brush past with you.
If you are the higher me, then I am grateful for every time you guide me.
May the world find peace, and may you and I always walk with confidence.
With Love, From China,
Matthew 💙